In my darkest days, I didn’t think it was possible, but God beautifully and mercifully redeemed my life after I had an abortion. At my lowest points, I knew I didn’t belong in the church; I was too far gone. I was graciously reminded that I did belong, and God was eagerly waiting to extend His love and mercy to me as soon as I was ready to come to Him. Years ago, Father Tim suggested I attend a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat. I thought about it for a slight (and I mean very slight) moment, but I wasn’t ready, so I didn’t pursue it. Last year, I was ready to see what this retreat was about, so I hopped on the waiting list. I asked God, if I was meant to be on the retreat, to please open up a spot, but I accepted it may not be the right time. I soon got a call about an opening on the upcoming retreat, so I accepted. In the weeks to come, the reality of going on this retreat set in, and I was scared. I was anxious, and I considered backing out. I didn’t want to miss the football games or the fun things my friends would be doing that weekend, and what if I wasn’t ready to really face this afterall? After many prayers, I decided to go, and I am beyond grateful to the Lord for the push to attend. I showed up to the retreat and instantly felt at home. Everyone was there for the same reason. We were all seeking healing, and to let go of the shame, guilt, and unforgiveness we had been tightly clinging to. The weekend was extremely emotional, but in a beautiful and peace seeking way. We talked about our burdens and gave them back to Jesus, we shared the lies we believed about ourselves, and our new friends reminded us of the real truths. “My heart breaks that you think you aren’t enough and will never be loved, but the truth is you are more than enough. You’re beautiful, have a shining smile, and you’re going to find the true love and happiness that you deserve. Never forget how loved you already are,” I heard as I was tightly hugged.
We shared our abortion stories in a very real and emotional way. We processed feelings we didn’t realize we were still holding onto. I let go of a lot of sadness, guilt, shame, and anger that weekend. And the most important part, I finally had the chance to grieve the loss of my baby. In a world where no one knew I had an abortion, I immediately had to go back to work, put on a smiling face for everyone around me, and live my life as normal as I could. I was sad about my situation, and many tears were shed in private, but I never acknowledged or processed the fact that I actually lost a child. At the Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat, I was able to do that in a safe and confidential space. I was able, for the first time, to grieve a deep loss in a very raw and real way. We had a baptism and memorial service for our babies. We gave them names, we wrote and read them letters, lit candles in their memory, and we placed them in the hands of Jesus. We were finally able to give them the proper dignity and honor they deserved.
The weekend brought me such peace and comfort. I was surrounded by women just like me. Women who are active at their church and love Jesus, women who have a past, and who so deeply wanted to heal. I was able to let go of the shame and finally accept God’s redemption of my life, and I no longer have to sit in mass and worry that I don’t belong because of my past. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I do belong.
I made beautiful friendships that weekend. Friends who hold a deep bond and continue to pray for and check in on each other. As we said our goodbyes that weekend, one of my new friends said “you have no idea how much you helped me heal this weekend!” while another said “your heart is so beautiful, you are just a shining light, and I love you!” This assured me that a spot opened because I was meant to attend this exact retreat that cold November weekend. Before the retreat, I didn’t know how much I truly needed to be there, and I certainly didn’t realize other beautiful women needed me there to help them heal. God is always good and guides us where we need to be not only for ourselves but for others as well. This weekend not only brought me peace, comfort, and new friendships, but I now know I have a perfectly pure angel in heaven who has never ceased to pray for me, who is extremely proud of the way my life has been redeemed and who will always shine light on my dark days.
My abortion will always be part of my journey, but it doesn’t define who I am. I will forever be grateful for my experience at the Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat for helping me leave all of my burdens, shame, and guilt behind, and for allowing me to move forward with peace, comfort, and a beautiful hope for my future. My heart is forever changed for the better, and I am at peace knowing my precious child is sitting perfectly in the loving arms of Jesus, praying for me until the day we are reunited.
**If you’re struggling with the hurt, shame, or guilt of an abortion, I encourage you to reach out to one of our priests. They have resources to help and can connect you with someone who has been there to provide you with confidential support. You are not alone.**